I am constipated

Since I'm constipated 90% of the time, one of my constant obsessions is poo. At this time I will rank/grade my preference of said subject matter. Please do not proceed if you are easily grossed out/offended or tend to be condescending. *Condescending people are the worst. 

A. The Gold Standard: Long, even, but not necessarily lean. Always best if they have a "clean" break, if you know what I mean. If you don't know what I mean, let me just say that it saves toilet paper. Should have those characteristic "pointed ends" for a clean break.

B. Loosey-Goosey: Not packed as nicely as the gold standard, but is one of the furthest types from constipation so ranked second best. The problem with this one is that it hardly ever comes with a clean break.

C. Clumpy/Bulbaceous: This type has been around a little too long so that its hardened a bit and folds over itself. This is one step away from the worst of them, but isn't too bad because it usually comes with a clean break and doesn't involve a stomachache.

D. Diarrhea: Most people hate this, but I love it. I like how it feels like a mini-cleanse as it flushes the system out. I'll take diarrhea over constipation any day. In fact, I would actually rank this much higher, maybe 2nd best except for the fact that it's just not healthy and is usually associated with some problem.

F. Rabbit Pellets: Now these are the absolute worst. After straining and moaning and groaning, creating hemorrhoids in the process, you are rewarded with a tiny bead. Ugh. Constipation is in full swing and you depart the porcelain throne in the sourest of moods.