Tuesday, December 20, 2011

I am getting lazy

Takes too long to illustrate these blogs.  A few people out of the few people that know about it asked if I started it because I was bored. After I was asked that, I paused to think about it (both times) and then thought definitively -- NO!! because I do not have the luxury to be bored. I just had to think about it because my brain is now slow. I take 4.5 times as long (arbitrary figure) to process and respond to things than a year ago.

Anyway our poor baby bot's hair (or lack there of) is a continual cause of concern for her dad. The other day he looked at her and said, "She needs some Rogaine!" and called her "Prince William".
Baby bot, meanwhile sat there with her budding new front teeth thinking about how much she loves plastic bags of all shapes and sizes but hates any type of lotion touching any part of her body, especially her face. Girl obviously doesn't know what's good for her.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

I am a brainy announcer

Remember those public service announcements about drugs? To refresh your memory:
I always felt they didn't quite give the right message. Obviously they're saying that your brain is "fried" when on drugs but honestly, a cooked egg is more appealing to me than a raw one. (Don't worry, it didn't make me try drugs.)

Well I hereby present to you my own PSA along the same lines (I'm proud that it parallels so well):
Brain = mushy & fluffy. So go get pregnant -- c'mon you know you want to do it.... everyone else is... ;) (That was peer pressure- again great parallel, wow).

Monday, December 12, 2011

I am a double victim

I just had the worst weekend ever.

First my wallet got stolen at work on Friday. My brand new beautiful blue wallet that I loved, that carried over $100 in cash as well as all the ingredients for identity theft, was just snatched out of my purse. The thief surprisingly didn't take anything else but that is almost even scarier because it sounds like a professional, since phones could be tracked down.
So most of Friday was spent on the phone calling all my credit card companies, banks, and the police to report everything. Super fun.

Stomach Flu
Then on Saturday I go to bed feeling a little funny and by 3 am I am awake and hunched over the toilet. The contents of my stomach were spewed out of both directions. Disgusting I know and miserable it was.
The next day (Sunday) I had a headache, was feverish, achy and weak and couldn't do much except lie down and feel sorry for myself. Thankfully the bug only took about 24 hours to pass through my system and today I feel better. I had to go to the DMV and went to 2 banks to handle the wallet ordeal.


Sunday, December 4, 2011

I am a new mom

As a new parent, there are a ton of things that I didn't anticipate with baby-rearing. It's a constant battle with new surprises, twists, and turns every day. Any person I've spoken to these last 5 months has heard that I am soo tired, and that's pretty much all I repeat or say nowadays. Conversations with me are getting very dull.

Anyway here are a couple things I didn't quite realize before baby-bot came along...

- How beat up you become
I didn't even know it was possible to get mouth bruises, but after getting whacked on the mouth from a sudden violent head nod from baby bot, I got a nice little contusion that turned from bright red to dark brown.  Recently baby has taken to tugging on my hair and pinching my arms with her tiny hands while being held. She also has two little bottom teeth coming in so nursing can be a pain, literally. Baby contraptions that I constantly bump into or trip over include but are not limited to her her playmat, bouncer, jumperoo, and swing which are scattered around our small little place.

- That clipping baby's nails is one of life's greatest challenges
Seriously, a harrowing experience each time.  Toenails are a near impossibility for me as baby-bot has ridiculous leg strength. Thankfully they don't grow as quickly as finger nails. Why not do it while she's sleeping? No way jose. If you knew how difficult it is to get baby bot to even fall asleep you would not suggest such a thing; I will not disturb those periods for anything.

- You get a new bathroom buddy
If you have a needy baby like mine you don't have much choice.
Don't worry this only happened rarely since it bordered on child abuse and fortunately now at 5 months baby is tolerating being alone better. (thank goodness)

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I am sleeping

Last night while Hus-bot and I were blissfully asleep...
there suddenly was a loud crashing "BOOM" noise, followed by a few more after-shock "boom"s.
The next second I found myself alone in bed as Hus-bot immediately jumped out of bed to investigate and protect the family.
With adrenaline coursing through his veins in apprehension, he checked all the rooms to make sure there was no intruder/robber/kidnapper/murderer... i.e. bad guy. 
All he was able to find was an overturned basket of soaking soiled baby clothes on the bathroom ground which he figured to be the cause of the noise. Thus he came back into bed, but his heart was still pounding and pulse racing as he wondered HOW the basket just suddenly fell by itself and he still suspected that there could be a someone behind the situation.
He managed to doze off but his body was still on high alert, leading to anxious and tense sleep.
Then in the morning his alarm went off.
Hus-bot half-awoke, still in an agitated state and when he sensed someone next to him, he automatically thought it was someone he needed to fight off!
So he was about to strangle the "intruder" but he quickly snapped out of it and realized it was just me.  I woke up when he grabbed me, but had no idea what he was doing. 

And without realizing that I had just been attacked, I continued my peaceful slumber.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

I am not part of this story

On Black Friday Eve (otherwise known as Thanksgiving), Hus-bot bravely set out to score some fabulous deals. Knowing that some stores were opening at 12 midnight this year, he went out early around 10 pm to join those crazy people who stand in lines in the cold and think they're cool.

First he went to face the formidable Best Buy and immediately thought he best say good-bye. (lame? sorry) The line was already insane, wrapping all around the plaza and the parking lot looked like regular prime-time business hours.
Can you spot the red-head in line?

So he gave up without a fight and instead drove over to the Target nearby. There the line looked more manageable and he settled into place. He called a friend to join his quest.
After waiting around 2 hours, the doors finally opened. For those of you who are curious how these things work (as I was), they let in 30 people at a time in 20 second intervals to avoid a mob. 
Hus-bot and his friend went to the electronics section as did everyone else. His friend contemplated buying a TV while Hus-bot was interested in the laptops, cellphones, and wanted to purchase the last Harry Potter blu-ray movie to complete our collection.
They stood in front of the stock of TVs and even touched them. The next moment,...
the TV's were all gone. Some people were loading 5 TV's onto one cart! As the aimless duo missed out left and right on all the deals they so patiently stood in line for, Hus-bot finally went to the movie section.
Too bad the new Harry Potter was not on sale. 

And poor Hus-bot came home defeated and empty-handed around 2 am. The End.
*Updated happy ending: Hus-bot actually went out again the next morning and did manage to buy the laptop he wanted on sale so thankfully he was successful on the real Black Friday. And I bought Harry Potter online anyway for $9.99 + tax.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I am masked

I'm not saying that Hus-bot has a big face but right now we're sitting side by side with moisturizing/nourishing face masks on (made Hus-bot try it for fun) and this is what mine looks like compared to his:
Hus-bot says I'm mean but he should have a bigger face! (*Note I do have a bigger forehead) It would be much worse if it were the other way around. Hus-bot's quote in reaction to face mask is "I feel like I want to rob a bank right now!" Hah, what a weirdo. 

Sunday, November 20, 2011

I am annoyed

Annoyances rarely come in isolated occurrences; rather, they tend to flood me in groups with full force. It's not that any of them are a big deal individually but as a package they can get overwhelming, especially since I'm an impatient person. I've noticed a pattern in what tends to happen as shown by the following graph:

The annoying incidents start to roll in. It progressively brings down my mood.
Exhibit A:
Normal things like traffic, red lights bother me.
Exhibit B: 
Having to stop at a gazillion floors in an elevator before getting to my floor. Smelly people make things much worse.
Exhibit C:
Exhibit D:
Getting in the wrong line, behind the wrong person. 
Exhibit E:
Of course.

After a stream of bad luck, I've had enough. Any one little thing triggers an instant intensely sour mood.
 I discover a new pimple in the mirror. (So gross, note the whitehead)
The pimple screams out at me.
Fed up. Totally angry. 
So now I'm just grumpy for while. Argh.

Then yet another something goes wrong...
Such as I trip and fall, landing in a crumpled heap. 
 At this point, all this is more than my bad mood can handle. My rage has reached its climax.
 Suddenly I reflect and realize things aren't so bad- could be much worse.
 All this happening in one day is so ridiculous it might even be funny.
So I laugh to myself like a crazy person and life is good again.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

I was a bad driver

My driving career did not particularly get off to a smooth start. I actually got my license in Arizona, notoriously known for their "easy" driver's tests. I naturally failed at my first attempt. Apparently I did something horribly wrong because my behind-the-wheel portion of the test was abruptly cut short and the examiner seemed upset.
I still don't know what I did wrong. He didn't even tell me because it was apparently that obvious, and I couldn't ask because I had to pretend I knew exactly why I didn't pass. So I just tried to look solemn/contrite and then ended up crying in annoyance.

Anyway, a few years later and literally a month after I got my first car, I totaled it. I just full-on rear-ended a brand new cadillac that was stopped at a signal because I was looking to see if a particular store was open. (Embarrassingly enough it was a Morning Glory stationery store).

Now even before I got the license plates for my new car, I did something even more horrendous: I hit a pedestrian. Now before you totally judge me, let me explain the situation.
It was a busy street that had some houses along the side.  There were a bunch of cars parked on the side and when I saw a big black car (think Chevy Suburban or Cadillac Escalade with tinted windows) among them, I assumed it was also a parked car. Little did I know that it was actually a car that was stopped because a person was trying to cross the street. Let me bring your attention to the fact that there was no signal at this crosswalk and that cars on the other side of the street were just whizzing by.

So just as I was passing the big car, I see the pedestrian and in shock, I swerved out of the way!
But my reaction was too late! My friend and I hear the dreaded "THUD" and fear the worst. My heart sank and I remember vividly that instant thinking, "I just committed involuntary manslaughter. I am going to prison". Then I look in my rear view mirror to see:
She was alive! Obviously very upset and her body in some sort of weird position, but she was most definitely moving and totally with it enough to be yelling expletives at me. (Couldn't hear them but could tell by her body language/mouth movements). I saw her get up and continue walking. I was very relieved but also in a state of shock: shaken up,  heart pounding, and mind a blur. Two cars who witnessed what happened stopped me and told me to go see if she was okay, so I U-turned to go back to find her but she was already gone without a trace.

Immoral of the story: The best time to commit a "hit-and-they-run" is before you get your license plates.

Monday, November 14, 2011

I am flabbergasted

I am shocked/surprised in 2 ways today.

1. Unpleasantly:
I woke up to aching abdominal muscles this morning. 

You: From doing what?
Me:  Sit-ups

You: How many? 50?
Me:  No

You: 25?
Me:  No

You: 10?
Me:  No

You: 1?
Me:  No, from doing ZERO. 

That's right ladies and gentlemen, we discovered yesterday that I cannot do even ONE sit-up. Even my pathetic feeble attempts to do one were too much for my flabby abs to handle and they are now protesting. Hus-bot was thoroughly appalled since he can do a gazillion.
* Ted = Keanu Reeves from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure 
or Ted Mosby from How I Met Your Mother

2. Pleasantly:
I was pleasantly surprised though at how well the word flabbergasted = 'flab-ab-her-gas-ted' so nicely illustrated the situation. The only other circumstance that I could think of that could also work involves a labrador retriever living in Florida having an un-invited avian visitor.
"Fido the puppy was Fl-lab-bird-guested" (need to pronounce 'flabbergasted' with a slight accent).

Saturday, November 12, 2011

I am a hair loser

My hair is majorly obsessed these days. Obsessed with falling off my head. It's totally crazy.
The hairs have been planning a mass exodus amongst themselves and the above picture illustrates what they've been discussing. 

Anyway this has been a 3 stage process.

1. Me = Clueless
After giving birth, I went to get a haircut and that's when the hair stylist warned me of what was to come. I sort of believed her but sort of didn't.

2. Me = Excited/Amused
Then just like the prophetic hair stylist told me, around the 3 month mark I started losing fistfuls of hair in the shower when I ran my fingers through my head. It was kinda fun! I was making mini "wigs" on the bathroom wall because I always stick them on there in order for them not to clog the drain. I have such thick (quantity not quality) hair and I was happy that my hair was thinning itself out! 
Looked like a scene in a horror movie after every shower.

3. Me = Annoyed
But now things are just getting ridiculous. Hair is just everywhere! I'm shedding like a beast!
Here was bedroom before:
Here is bedroom now:
ACK!!! Enough already!