I am in denial

So these days I never take pictures anymore. Because the same thing keeps happening...
I take a photo and envision this:

 Then I look at the photo on my phone and I see this:

Um, I swear I thought I was more attractive than that, what the heck?? Why are my eyes so asymmetrical, my hair looking so nappy, and my face just so blah? Tell me it ain't so! But the camera does not lie my friends, only I must lie to myself. "It's just the lighting and the angle", I tell myself and proceed to try a few more shots with the same abysmal results. Depressing.

I realized I peaked around age 23 or so when I felt like I couldn't take a bad picture. Now it's completely the opposite, so man I went downhill fast! (If 10 years is considered fast. Yikes, a few more of these decades and I'll be gone, morbid thought) The best pictures are the low light, blurry, at-a-distance ones with half my face covered by one of my kids. 😒

I am wanting...

For the record, here are a few things I want to say I want right now. Now, it will probably be easy to "pity" me when reading this post, but to tell you the truth, I like having things to want and look forward to. That being said, these better come true. Pronto!

1. Ummm, an actual working OVEN would be niice! (said in sarcastic tone)

In our current apt, this thing is nothing more than an oversized STOVE because the oven itself does not function properly. It's just too old and I don't trust cooking in it. I want to learn to make my own french macarons (lofty goal) but that wish ain't gonna come true with this hunk of junk. (Actually it's not completely useless right now because we just store our pans in there.. whoopie)

2. Walk in closet please! The bigger the better-- I don't care if the bedroom is tiny, just give me my closet space! I am so over the rolling door, one pole action. Although I was too lazy to draw in the contents of my current closet, it is literally overflowing with everything packed in and falling over each other. (90% of the items I never use, but still. I'm a hoarder)

3. A GARAGE on the GROUND floor.

Climbing a million flight of stairs to an outdoor separate carport? No thank you! Needing to add 10+ minutes to any commute or trip out? Enough! Carrying a 25+ lbs toddler with 25+ lbs of groceries up the stairs? So sick of it (arms dying). 

4. A Maltese puppy!

I always stalk this one pet store that sells the tiniest cutest dogs! It makes me convinced I want one, I NEED one every time! I mean, c'mon that face!! Too bad even just a few months older and hair grown out longer it loses its cuteness by 85% but that puppy stage is to die for.

There, I put it all out there.

(*I just realized our last apt had #1-3...we've regressed)

I am not a phone person anymore

I am observant

One morning I woke up to notice that something was a little 'off' about hus-bot's face. It appeared he had sprouted a new mole or attracted some lint on the side of his nose. Anyhow, he got up and went about his business.

After eating breakfast he returned to the room still unaware of his new blemish. So I brought it to his attention asking what was it that was lingering on his face all morning...

So we looked closer...

 ... And it was a dead ant! Yep, a deceased arthropod just chillin' on his face the whole time. Our next question was how/why did it end up there of all places? My guess was that hus-bot's oily face weighed it down and did it in so that finally it could traverse the expanse of the face no more...

I am demonstrating...

Tell-tale signs you are dealing with some tough bread:

1. Your bread (illustrated below as a Philly cheese steak sandwich) stays in 1 piece for longer than 5 seconds as you struggle with it in your mouth. *Please note average bread-in-mouth time is ~0.8 seconds

 2. When you finally are able to bite off a piece, you suffer whiplash effects.

3. The inside of your mouth looks and feels like it just went through battle with glass shards

We now know not to use 1 day old Ralph's French bread for Hus-bot's sandwiches.

I am worn out

I had 2 panic-inducing episodes today and the stress/anxiety was a lot to bear in the short span of 5 hours. The same 3 steps happened in an almost identical fashion:

First: 

A. This morning I was about to go out on errands with the baby-bot when I couldn't find my wallet.

B.  I was back at home in the afternoon when I couldn't remember where I left my phone.

1. The Panicked Realization

Second: (An agonizing 30-45 minute duration)

A. After having my wallet stolen a few months ago, I am totally paranoid about losing my wallet. So the fact that I could not find it after over 30 minutes of ransacking our small place made my heart rate skyrocket. Not to mention any outing involving baby-bot is a delicate time-sensitive affair due to needing to fit within her napping/eating/pooping schedule.

B. I called myself through my computer online (Google phone) but couldn't hear my ringer.  I remembered I had activated the "find my iPhone" app so I had to figure out how to do that (log in to iCloud) and when it searched, it indicated the phone was a the plaza I had been in that morning! Ugh! I must've dropped it on the ground! So in a state of panicked frenzy I grabbed baby-bot and sped back over to the shopping plaza. I searched the parking lot ground, kneeling under random cars and also went into a couple stores inquiring if anyone had turned in a phone.

2. Freak-out Session

Third:
A. Turned out I had placed a bag on top of the darn wallet on my coffee table. Panic for nothing!

B. I went into the 3rd store asking once again if someone had found a "black iPhone with a multi-colored case" and they had me wait for someone to come open the safe. At this point I had almost given up when finally the lady with the key came, requested again that I describe the item, asked, "Is it this?" and held out the prodigal device. Oh, the relief. I said, "Thank you, I almost died" and left.

3. Sweet Relief

I drive myself crazy I tell ya.

I am predictable

In the evenings around 10 pm or even earlier, this is me:

I am exhausted and my ultimate goal in life is to crawl into bed and collapse. I drag myself around with my eyelids half open and my brain half dead.

Unfortunately there is something that interferes every. single. time. Ugh! The indisputable equation:

*My toothbrush is fancy only because all toothbrushes these days are fancy (except for the ones given for free at the dentist) with their multi-colored bristles and rubber parts. Must've gotten some pointers from those automatic car washes. Anyway, I digress...

So the mundane task of brushing my teeth is like a free shot of espresso because my drowsiness suddenly vanishes.

Instead of sleepiness, I am then filled with an intense desire to stare at screens (computer or TV).  And so I do.

I am awake

I hereby present to you the 3 worst nights of sleep due to trips I have ever had.

3 - Sometime as a kid:

I remember how the night before going to Disneyland I was tossing and turning from anticipation.  I couldn't wait for the next morning and just couldn't fall asleep. From then on, I trained myself not to hype things up so much because it made for a pretty miserable night. At least I lost sleep over a good thing.

2 - Last week:

Our family took a trip to Las Vegas for the holidays. The only similarity this trip had from previous ones was that I was awake at the odd hours of the morning but obviously not because I was out and having a good time, but because I was in dealing with a crabby, teething baby who didn't like the new environment and made sure to make us aware of that every hour or so.  I'm sure our neighbors weren't too ecstatic either.

1 - Last last year:

The night that goes down in infamy however was an impromptu trip taken with my in-laws down to San Diego.  It was our fault we made the mistake of booking only 1 room (why?!!) when it was 5 of us.  So 3 grown adults (me, hus-bot, and brother-in-law) actually attempted to sleep in 1 not even king-sized but queen bed which in and of itself was totally ridiculous. But add to that the snoring cacophony of the mother-in-law and it was just over. The absolute worst night I have ever had.

I am getting lazy

Takes too long to illustrate these blogs.  A few people out of the few people that know about it asked if I started it because I was bored. After I was asked that, I paused to think about it (both times) and then thought definitively -- NO!! because I do not have the luxury to be bored. I just had to think about it because my brain is now slow. I take 4.5 times as long (arbitrary figure) to process and respond to things than a year ago.

Anyway our poor baby bot's hair (or lack there of) is a continual cause of concern for her dad. The other day he looked at her and said, "She needs some Rogaine!" and called her "Prince William".

Baby bot, meanwhile sat there with her budding new front teeth thinking about how much she loves plastic bags of all shapes and sizes but hates any type of lotion touching any part of her body, especially her face. Girl obviously doesn't know what's good for her.

I am a brainy announcer

Remember those public service announcements about drugs? To refresh your memory:

I always felt they didn't quite give the right message. Obviously they're saying that your brain is "fried" when on drugs but honestly, a cooked egg is more appealing to me than a raw one. (Don't worry, it didn't make me try drugs.)

Well I hereby present to you my own PSA along the same lines (I'm proud that it parallels so well):

Brain = mushy & fluffy. So go get pregnant -- c'mon you know you want to do it.... everyone else is... ;) (That was peer pressure- again great parallel, wow).

I am masked

I'm not saying that Hus-bot has a big face but right now we're sitting side by side with moisturizing/nourishing face masks on (made Hus-bot try it for fun) and this is what mine looks like compared to his:

Hus-bot says I'm mean but he should have a bigger face! (*Note I do have a bigger forehead) It would be much worse if it were the other way around. Hus-bot's quote in reaction to face mask is "I feel like I want to rob a bank right now!" Hah, what a weirdo. 

I am annoyed

Annoyances rarely come in isolated occurrences; rather, they tend to flood me in groups with full force. It's not that any of them are a big deal individually but as a package they can get overwhelming, especially since I'm an impatient person. I've noticed a pattern in what tends to happen as shown by the following graph:

STAGE 1 - THE GRADUAL DECLINE
The annoying incidents start to roll in. It progressively brings down my mood.
Exhibit A:

Normal things like traffic, red lights bother me.

Exhibit B: 

Having to stop at a gazillion floors in an elevator before getting to my floor. Smelly people make things much worse.

Exhibit C:

Exhibit D:

Getting in the wrong line, behind the wrong person. 

Exhibit E:

Of course.

STAGES 2 & 3 - THE TIPPING POINT & FAST DECLINE

After a stream of bad luck, I've had enough. Any one little thing triggers an instant intensely sour mood.

 I discover a new pimple in the mirror. (So gross, note the whitehead)

The pimple screams out at me.

Fed up. Totally angry. 

So now I'm just grumpy for while. Argh.

STAGES 4 & 5 - MAXIMUM CAPACITY & RE-STABILIZATION

Then yet another something goes wrong...

Such as I trip and fall, landing in a crumpled heap. 

 At this point, all this is more than my bad mood can handle. My rage has reached its climax.

 Suddenly I reflect and realize things aren't so bad- could be much worse.

 All this happening in one day is so ridiculous it might even be funny.

So I laugh to myself like a crazy person and life is good again.

I am flabbergasted

I am shocked/surprised in 2 ways today.

1. Unpleasantly:

I woke up to aching abdominal muscles this morning. 

You: From doing what?

Me:  Sit-ups

You: How many? 50?

Me:  No

You: 25?

Me:  No

You: 10?

Me:  No

You: 1?

Me:  No, from doing ZERO. 

That's right ladies and gentlemen, we discovered yesterday that I cannot do even ONE sit-up. Even my pathetic feeble attempts to do one were too much for my flabby abs to handle and they are now protesting. Hus-bot was thoroughly appalled since he can do a gazillion.

* Ted = Keanu Reeves from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure 

or Ted Mosby from How I Met Your Mother

2. Pleasantly:

I was pleasantly surprised though at how well the word flabbergasted = 'flab-ab-her-gas-ted' so nicely illustrated the situation. The only other circumstance that I could think of that could also work involves a labrador retriever living in Florida having an un-invited avian visitor.

"Fido the puppy was Fl-lab-bird-guested" (need to pronounce 'flabbergasted' with a slight accent).

I am a hair loser

My hair is majorly obsessed these days. Obsessed with falling off my head. It's totally crazy.

The hairs have been planning a mass exodus amongst themselves and the above picture illustrates what they've been discussing. 

Anyway this has been a 3 stage process.

1. Me = Clueless

After giving birth, I went to get a haircut and that's when the hair stylist warned me of what was to come. I sort of believed her but sort of didn't.

2. Me = Excited/Amused

Then just like the prophetic hair stylist told me, around the 3 month mark I started losing fistfuls of hair in the shower when I ran my fingers through my head. It was kinda fun! I was making mini "wigs" on the bathroom wall because I always stick them on there in order for them not to clog the drain. I have such thick (quantity not quality) hair and I was happy that my hair was thinning itself out! 

Looked like a scene in a horror movie after every shower.

3. Me = Annoyed

But now things are just getting ridiculous. Hair is just everywhere! I'm shedding like a beast!

Here was bedroom before:

Here is bedroom now:

ACK!!! Enough already!