I am a double victim

I just had the worst weekend ever.

Robbery
First my wallet got stolen at work on Friday. My brand new beautiful blue wallet that I loved, that carried over $100 in cash as well as all the ingredients for identity theft, was just snatched out of my purse. The thief surprisingly didn't take anything else but that is almost even scarier because it sounds like a professional, since phones could be tracked down.

So most of Friday was spent on the phone calling all my credit card companies, banks, and the police to report everything. Super fun.

Stomach Flu
Then on Saturday I go to bed feeling a little funny and by 3 am I am awake and hunched over the toilet. The contents of my stomach were spewed out of both directions. Disgusting I know and miserable it was.

The next day (Sunday) I had a headache, was feverish, achy and weak and couldn't do much except lie down and feel sorry for myself. Thankfully the bug only took about 24 hours to pass through my system and today I feel better. I had to go to the DMV and went to 2 banks to handle the wallet ordeal.

Sigh...

I am a new mom

As a new parent, there are a ton of things that I didn't anticipate with baby-rearing. It's a constant battle with new surprises, twists, and turns every day. Any person I've spoken to these last 5 months has heard that I am soo tired, and that's pretty much all I repeat or say nowadays. Conversations with me are getting very dull.

Anyway here are a couple things I didn't quite realize before baby-bot came along...

- How beat up you become

I didn't even know it was possible to get mouth bruises, but after getting whacked on the mouth from a sudden violent head nod from baby bot, I got a nice little contusion that turned from bright red to dark brown.  Recently baby has taken to tugging on my hair and pinching my arms with her tiny hands while being held. She also has two little bottom teeth coming in so nursing can be a pain, literally. Baby contraptions that I constantly bump into or trip over include but are not limited to her her playmat, bouncer, jumperoo, and swing which are scattered around our small little place.

- That clipping baby's nails is one of life's greatest challenges

Seriously, a harrowing experience each time.  Toenails are a near impossibility for me as baby-bot has ridiculous leg strength. Thankfully they don't grow as quickly as finger nails. Why not do it while she's sleeping? No way jose. If you knew how difficult it is to get baby bot to even fall asleep you would not suggest such a thing; I will not disturb those periods for anything.

- You get a new bathroom buddy
If you have a needy baby like mine you don't have much choice.

Don't worry this only happened rarely since it bordered on child abuse and fortunately now at 5 months baby is tolerating being alone better. (thank goodness)

I am constipated

Since I'm constipated 90% of the time, one of my constant obsessions is poo. At this time I will rank/grade my preference of said subject matter. Please do not proceed if you are easily grossed out/offended or tend to be condescending. *Condescending people are the worst. 

A. The Gold Standard: Long, even, but not necessarily lean. Always best if they have a "clean" break, if you know what I mean. If you don't know what I mean, let me just say that it saves toilet paper. Should have those characteristic "pointed ends" for a clean break.

B. Loosey-Goosey: Not packed as nicely as the gold standard, but is one of the furthest types from constipation so ranked second best. The problem with this one is that it hardly ever comes with a clean break.

C. Clumpy/Bulbaceous: This type has been around a little too long so that its hardened a bit and folds over itself. This is one step away from the worst of them, but isn't too bad because it usually comes with a clean break and doesn't involve a stomachache.

D. Diarrhea: Most people hate this, but I love it. I like how it feels like a mini-cleanse as it flushes the system out. I'll take diarrhea over constipation any day. In fact, I would actually rank this much higher, maybe 2nd best except for the fact that it's just not healthy and is usually associated with some problem.

F. Rabbit Pellets: Now these are the absolute worst. After straining and moaning and groaning, creating hemorrhoids in the process, you are rewarded with a tiny bead. Ugh. Constipation is in full swing and you depart the porcelain throne in the sourest of moods.